update

I'm in fucking England man! I still cannot believe it.

hey ya

For those whom might not know I will be out of country for the next two weeks. My travels will take me to London, England and the Netherlands, Amsterdam. I look forward to my first excursion in to unknown boundaries. I look forward to all in front of me, and hope every one else a fresh new start in 2006.

Big Plans, Big Crash? But still among the dead

For those of you who may or may not give two shits, I would like to announce plans make over this site. The way this site looks like every other blog makes me vomit in a every small minded way. Also, I found keeping an online journal is not the most discrete way to carry out life. My plans are to make over this site into a medium for my short stories. Including a section devoted to my nearly completed novel "Paper Wings / Local God."


word

Among the dead

If anybody at all has noticed my recent abcense, I do apologize. Life as of now is, well, good. The winter has brought favorable whims. The truth is, I havn't had much to write about lately. Days pass by and die every morning at 10am and everyday lisa brings me back to life and home from work. The recent distruction of "the chief" (my car) has yelded very positive and negitive results. Recent news flashes of logic dictate that I will have a car payment in the near future. However as untell mid january I have a well founded excuse to see lisa everyday.


the miserable old king of yester-year is insane and we all know it. everybody say hello, to whom I really wanna be.

2005 IT'S THE YEAR TO BE HATED

GOALS FOR 2005

1. to improve all areas of my life (mind, body, soul, enviroment)
2. at the end of this year I will be infront of a classroom.
3. Gain more control over what was previously preceved as uncontrolable
4. Further strengen and understand my relationship with Mona
5. Improve understanding
6. Travel
7. Put more thoughts on paper

"You don't go changing the horsemen in the middle of the apocalypse"

- punk voter dot com

I will be posting my feelings on this subject in the near future. For now I need to do soul serching and time for reflection, I need time to find words to fit my feelings.

Two tales of one city....

the duality of my life i feel has come to a breaking point. on one side of vegas; i have lisa, a job, friends. one the other side of the same city is a drag of family life. more and more everyday i feel my life looses context, being so divided. to much ambition, energy and gas money lost on the 19 mile stretch of highway between centennial and maryland parkway. the cohesion of the two roles is coming apart as i feel my self wanting to play the family role less and less. i seek the distance and freedom i enjoy everywhere else but the place I sleep. the need to take hold of thy own life is something that has been missing. partly because i feel i substitute in pretending my home in centennial does not exist.

If i had a base of operation, a small corner of the world nobody else uses, i think my life could come into better focus. without the financial filter of mummy n daddy, also with out the stress of living life day to day, and having to answer for it.

this of course means canceling plans for an future travel adventures especially in november. i really wanted to see beau in reno and kelly in KC, but i feel this may be a step it the right direction.

Al's War by Less Than Jake


Al said goodbye to his mom and dad for the first time in his life
tonight left the house and walked out to the waiting car outside
and somehow he thought they'd never understand that nothing lasts
and he just knows that time is just spinning by
and life is passing him by so fast
And sometimes I think I'm the only one
that feels like going nowhere is like giving up
Al said to me a few days ago
that he just thought for the first time in his life
he feels the last 10 years were only a waste of time
and that it was only a compromise of what he always felt inside
his declaration of independence
said to me under the orange street lights
he was the one
who always did the right thing
he was the one that listened to everything they'd say
but today he's never going back

Thoughts on madness, administrations, ex girl friends, and the TV Over Lord

The recourse of the day comes in mind numbing waves from the rim of my bong. The rat race known as the 8th of september has ended, not but a minute to soon. Driving at high speeds from this way to that all in the name of productivity is bullocks. The backward administration of the community college is definitely at the height of it’s own bureaucracy. Seven phone calls, and two separate trips, along with a thorough survey of the web site, and still I am not any closer to my financial aid money.

____work is shite.

my ex called last night. out of the sea of obscurity it appears she crash landed back in vegas with a month old baby girl. her and her boyfriend are apparently in attendance at UNLV. and to make vegas a smaller place their about to move into the college district.

there is not many people i never wanted to see again. but she was definitely a prime pick. we had already spoken our peace sometime last year. (if i remember correctly it was right after that horrible flood that killed three people.) anyway. After that, i saw no real reason to ever cross paths again. you know, leave it on good terms. but yet she called.

from the sounds of the conversation, she sounded like she was at peace with her self for once in her life. i always thought motherhood would have that effect on her. then again i got the feeling she only called me because she had no one else to call, a freak effect of the “baby blues.” call anyone who might give a shit.

being jessica ain’s friend is less like a friendship and more like a sci-fi novel with a thousand sequels. The story is always heavy, the characters are two dimensional, and all in all, not worth the time.

____However, this event did give me some insight to my own insides.

I think i react to real life though a filter. acting a certain way not particularly because i want to but because i felt i should.

Like most americans the base of my social knowledge comes from TV. when jessica called, at first i was acting out the scene of the awkward conversation between ex’s on TV. realizeing this i think:
_maybe kenny and creepy chris are right, broadcast limits your mind. We only draw upon our media knowledge when we don't know how to act, or have forgotten how to.

when a crashed my first car, i could only think of the scenes when the oldest son come home with “something to say to dad” how crazy is that?

i will no longer obey my programing.
i will no longer obey my programing.
i will no longer obey my programing.
i will no longer obey my programing.
i will no longer obey my programing.

its the insidious mind control of broadcast. raising children on TV is a good way to create a model population. It’s already happened. how many kids my age didn’t watch saved by the bell? we know more about TV trivia than American history. we are the shared collective, resistance is futile.
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